I'm sorry but I've tried to keep quiet, you know, rest in peace. There are, however, a few things I'd like to get off my magnificent chest. I say 'magnificent' because I have to big myself up a bit owing to the fact that they go on and on and on about how handsome he is. Was I not handsome? I was distinguished. I am distinguished, just a little disembodied. The best bit's left, anyway. The mind of a great philosopher. OK, a fairly shrewd old dog. Did you know that they're even doubting my parentage now? Talk about speaking ill of the dead. And it's all because of him. Hugo.

You would not believe what he's getting away with. Digging for a start. If I so much as dirtied a claw in the flowerbed I was told to off. Mind you, I saw Him (my human) digging the biggest, long hole the other week. I do understand how sensible it is to bury stuff but what's the point in doing that and then putting up big sticks, marking the spot. I suppose they don't have a sense of smell, not like us dogs. And talking of which, I've noticed how all the humans are saying how nice Hugo smells. Like a dagger to my heart (if I had one, of course). That dog's doing something wrong if they like his smell.

I am in danger of going on. Therefore, he is a list of what he's getting away with:

Digging
Smelling 'nice'
Having Radio 4 on all night, just for him
Home-cooked doggy treats
Getting Her up at 5 o'clock in the morning
Being given lots of toys
Playing with my old toys
Getting a new collar every couple of weeks
Eating the nice, expensive-looking food on display at the vet's surgery
Having the above mentioned food soaked beforehand
Eating three times a day (it was four until recently)
Going to puppy parties
Costing them a fortune in pig's ears
Defecating in the flower beds, especially under their open bedroom window

Oh, I could go on. But I'm tired. Time for my thoughts to float off ….....