Monty's List

She's making a list again. For their mad trip, I think. I was going to show it to you but quite frankly, it's as boring as it gets. Boring and long. There was only one curious thing on it and that was 'Details of Albert's place'. Who's Albert?
Anyway, I can't answer that but it did get me thinking about my own list.

I once heard that some humans have an ongoing joke about sending people they dislike to 'the island'. The concept of this island is a metaphorical one, shared amongst a specific group of individuals, perhaps within their workplace. Much can be achieved with such a scheme and it is by no means as monopolised by humans as they care to think although my own version is slightly more sophisticated. I find their methods slightly underhand, sly and cruel whereas my own are more honest and effective.

It has not gone unnoticed by Her that since that incident - and I'm sorry to bang on about it - that our relationship has been a little frosty to say the least. I'm now in Stage Two of the operation having moved from complete avoidance (Stage One)to generally shifty behaviour complemented by a certain look. This is my failsafe advice to anyone finding themselves in a sticky situation with a member of the household:

Be sitting up and comfortable
Tilt your chin downwards slightly
Hunch your shoulders a little (vulture-like)
Now stare at your target for at least five minutes without moving even on provocation
Repeat three times a day for seven days
Always finish the course

It is guaranteed that your target will be in no doubt whatsoever that they are on your list. I would say that being the biddable fellow I am, my list is generally quite short and consists mostly of dogs rather than humans. However, He has now migrated to my list along with Her. Usually She does the unspeakable things to my ears, takes me to be poked at the vets and He feeds me; on this basis there is no contest. But yesterday, He fed me as usual and then rammed the thing in my ear when I was still eating! So now I've got my work cut out and this is where the old saying that you shouldn't bite the hand that feeds you becomes particularly pertinent. Therefore, I have had to skip Stage One and zip straight to Stage Two because obviously, I cannot ignore my food source. On the other hand, if he behaves himself, I might give him a reprieve. It all depends on whether I get any scraps from that barbecue or not...

Thus, I hope to have demonstrated how much can be achieved from the sitting position. As I said, sophisticated and mellow; dignified even. Yes, that's it a dignified silence.