Humans have taken a long time to get to where us dogs are. However, they've yet to do it without electricity.

My predecessor, Monty, has kindly given me permission to speak out on behalf of the canine cause in the Harriss household. Before I go on to all the other little niggles, let me address this issue of technology.

Every day, we go for a walk. She gets very excited, smiling and calling 'Walkies!' to which I have worked out I should respond by jumping about a bit and wagging my tail. Only then is she happy. Once we are both jumping around in a state of excitement, she starts the process of strapping me up. Some other dogs, I've noticed, seem to get away with just a lead attached to their collars. I believe it's to make her think she's in control. True enough, when we're walking along, I wouldn't bother trying to pull her (she's quite a weight, you know) but I still have one trick up my leg.

She's not the only one who's weighty and I can bring her to a halt as many times as I like. And I do. What she doesn't know is that when I'm stopping, I'm doing what she does on her laptop all the time. I find out who's been there, how recently, their sexual viewpoint,age and then update my own status. So there's a lot of information being downloaded and uploaded on the pavement, lamp posts, leaves. These things can't be rushed, even if she wants them to be.

Us dogs have been doing it for years. They call it technology. I'd say they're rather behind. But then again, us dogs like behinds. Arsebook, perhaps?