Boring Old Sunday

I know what she's thinking; that by encouraging me to write a blog, I'll spill the beans. Give the game away. Let the cat out of the bag. Whatever. But that's not how I operate. I am the International Dog of Mystery. I will never talk about it. Ever. Although I might allude to certain 'events' and naturally, my muscular physique and sharp wit are indicators that I am no ordinary labrador, she'll never know the whole story. Just bits. Right here on It's a Dog's Life. There'll be none of that fictional rubbish she writes either. And only when there's something to write about. Today wasn't one of those days. She took her eldest son back to uni today so I was left mooching around the house for most of the day. We went out for a longish walk around the streets and she kept barking 'Wait!' and 'Heel' alternately as if after all these years, she will suddenly find the right word to make me walk next to her. It was an extraordinarily dull walk. We didn't meet any other dogs (she made sure of that) and she managed to pick up without sticking her fingers through the bag; every day I hope for this to happen. Is that mean? I suppose so. It was a particularly mean thing to wish upon her because there was an awful lot of it thanks to the two packets of Minstrels and large bag of Doritos I ate in the middle of the night. Those teenagers are very accommodating, not only leaving the living room door open so that I can sleep on the sofa but leaving some snacks out for me too. They keep on about chocolate being poisonous for dogs. I think I'll be the judge of that. Anyway, for some reason, she puts the stuff in one bag (not the chocolate) and then puts it inside another. I've got no idea why; as soon as she gets back, she lobs it over the fence into the garden so that it lands next to the shovel used for collecting deposits I've left there. And it's not as if anyone is going to assess her poo-wrapping ability, she's not gift wrapping it or taking it on holiday, its security is not an issue; she's not going to be asked 'Did you pack your bags yourself?'. Humans are just so weird.