Six degrees of separation

Kathryn has asked me to say a few words in response to Sarah’s prompt for today. She knows it’s a subject close to my heart and indeed, one on which I am most knowledgeable. At least compared to her. I once heard that an expert can be defined by the dog in the room who knows more than those around him. On that premise, I shall oblige and share with you my innermost thoughts. In reverse order, they are:
Number 6
Holidays. As you may remember, I quite enjoy these because there are two options. Firstly, I may stay at home and be pampered by the old lady or secondly, I spend time at that hotel where they select a female to keep me company. It’s simple; if we don’t hit it off, they bring in another and so on until they think they have found the perfect match. It’s a bit like speed dating really and although it’s hard to wrench myself away from the first one I meet, variety is the spice of life. A very spicy time I usually have too.
Number 5
Curtains. It’s curious, really; more of an un-separation. They install enormous floor to ceiling windows so that they can see out into the garden from all the downstairs rooms. Next, they install a dog to warn off predators and then when the said dog goes off in response to intrusion on his or her patch, they come storming down the stairs and close all the curtains as if they want to pretend that the windows aren’t there at all. Moreover, no one ever specified what I should bark at. Neither did they say I couldn’t wipe my mouth on the bits of hanging material.
Number 4
Food. Another un-separation, I’m afraid. Christmas was a prime example. Turkey, gravy, stuffing, potatoes, sprouts, carrots, bread sauce and trifle. On one plate. Mixed up with extra custard and some pre-chewed bits of crispy bacon. Of course, I don’t complain but you can see what I have to contend with.
Number 3
Children. They should be separated from the larger humans when there is food around. They are far more reasonable and if you’re prepared to accept a little treat that’s been pre-owned and pre-slobbered over, you’re onto a winner. Sometimes it’s by accident, sometimes not although I have to say that those morsels that are surrupticiously slipped under the table are usually the least tasty. Basically, if it’s really good, they’re not going to give it away easily and you might need to instigate an accident in order to liberate the item from the child’s sticky grasp.
Number 2
Wildlife. Well, what I mean is wildlife outside versus wild life indoors. I’ve got it worked out but I don’t think they have. They are given to vast generalisations about animals and imagine that every wild creature they come across is somehow the same as me but without the luxuries. Wrong. Firstly, I’m here because we made a deal. They pay me with food for the privilege of my presence, both aromatically and visually. Secondly, I am from very fine breeding unlike humans who breed wildly without discrimination.
Number 1
Chocolates. Humans say that chocolates are bad for dogs. Hasn’t anyone every told them that they’re bad for humans? Yes, I suppose so but if they slip the odd box of chocolates into their diets, are they vilified for doing so? No. Hypocritical, that’s what it is. Being able to separate the idea of healthy living with living healthily is beyond them. Why it has to be beyond me I don’t know. I have to be content with ripping up the paper with pictures of chocolates – yes, pictures - they left lying around. You should have seen the panic on her face when she saw the debris. As if I would eat their chocolates. As if.