Wild Animals I Have Known

She thinks I'm going to write about wild animals. As if I'm an expert. I think she thinks that by surrounding themselves with animals, they're somehow recreating the 'wild'. I've known a few domestic animals that are pretty wild. In fact, some of them live in this very house. Or outside of it. But on my patch, nevertheless.

Let's start with the cats. One, Marmaduke is a big, stripy, orange fellow who always comes to greet me by rubbing himself up and down my side. Sometimes, he slips underneath me which I'm not too keen on but I let him get away with it because he's alright. His only fault is that he sometimes takes up a little more than his fair share of the middle stair where we sleep. I suppose he has a bit of a nerve really when you think how small he is and how much he stretches out. On the other hand, I think that the cute factor of him being there has probably saved me from being kicked off and sent back to my bed a few times. He does smell a bit and I don't think I've ever seen him washing. And before you say anything, yes, I know I smell a lot but I do wash and anyway, it's a nice smell. It's just that those humans don't appreciate the finer things in life.

Washing too much is bad for you. The other cat, Tiger, is living proof. He's got little bald patches which are most unattractive. He's also neurotic. Actually, he's plain evil. And he's got short legs. He steals around like a thief, skirting around the edges of the room, his chin almost on the ground, always peering around corners. He's got some unpleasant nocturnal habits too. He brings in creatures and crunches them up on the stairs, leaving just the gall bladder. I wouldn't mind but it's only two stairs down from where Marmaduke and I sleep. The only positive attribute he has is that he doesn't smell of cats although to be fair, I never get close enough to be sure because he hates me. Actually, he hates everyone.

Now then, outside in the garden in two large wooden boxes with bits of wire on the front are two rabbits. They hate each other because they are male. Now, that much I can identify with. The larger one, Bramble is quite nice and always runs up to the wire to say hello when I'm passing. Because of this, I make a point of not lifting my leg in his direction. I've got great respect for Bramble. One day, he was in the run on the grass and Tiger jumped in with him. As I said, he's got short legs and a bit of an attitude problem. Bramble on the other hand is extremely cool, not to mention extremely handy with his back legs so upon being stalked, gave him a good kicking. However, the other one, Major, tries to act hard, something I can only put down to 'small rabbit complex'. I've seen him boxing the man when he's being fed which I think is not only uncalled for but more than a little bit stupid. He's always running up and down his ramp going upstairs and downstairs manically. He does himself no favours because I've seen them g bet Bramble out but never him. I think they're scared and quite frankly, I don't blame them.

Sensibly, the wild animals don't put in an appearance until I've gone to bed. I know that the rabbits were getting a lot of hassle off a fox and I must admit that I've been a bit slack with barking at them recently (well, I assume they're there, it's just that I can't hear them) and she's always going about badgers. It all happens when I'm curled up fast asleep with my mate Marmaduke. We're a civilised lot in this house, not wild at all.